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  “I’m pregnant, Mia!” she cried. “I don’t know what to do! I tried to tell him no. He wouldn’t stop.”

  “We have to tell,” I said.

  “Miamor, no! I don’t want anybody to know!” Anisa whispered as she grasped my arm, her teary eyes desperately searching mine as if I could solve this problem. “I have to get rid of it. You have to promise me you won’t say a word.”

  I nodded my head, but tears filled my eyes as I watched Anisa lower her shirt. She was pregnant at fourteen by our mother’s husband.

  Bam! Bam! Bam! My mother knocked on the door. “I hope y’all ready for school! You better get your asses dressed so you can catch this bus!”

  I wanted to open the door and tell my mother everything that we had been through, but Anisa was still gripping my hand. “Don’t say anything, okay?”

  As badly as I wanted to tell, I couldn’t. I trusted my sister and was loyal to her. If she wanted me to keep this secret, then I would. I wiped my eyes, flushed the toilet, and sprayed air freshener in the air before opening the door.

  We dressed in silence and headed off to school, our souls heavy and our minds on problems that we were both too young to truly comprehend.

  Brooklyn born and raised, we kept to ourselves. It was only Anisa and I. We weren’t cliqued up like some of the other bitches in our borough. We had already been jumped on twice behind some beef that Anisa had caught with some girls from her high school, so I learned quickly to stay bladed up. I had seen Anisa put a razor blade in her mouth and carry it around all day without taking it out. I had cut my shit up a couple times trying to be like her, and when they caught us both slipping, she finally taught me how to tuck a blade away in my mouth just in case I ever needed it.

  We knew the spots that these girls hung around, and we usually avoided those paths at all costs just to stay out of unnecessary conflict. So when Anisa hit a left and headed up toward their block, I stopped mid-step, not knowing why she would walk right into an ass whooping.

  “Nisa, what are you doing? You know if we go that way we’re going to have to fight. You’re pregnant, Nis. We can’t fight them girls off right now,” I said.

  “I know. I don’t want to win the fight, I just want to fight,” Anisa said with a determined look in her eyes.

  I didn’t understand at that moment what she was getting at, but I soon found out. “What?” I asked in confusion, looking at her like she was half stupid.

  “Look, I’ve got to get this baby out of me, Miamor, and I can’t tell Mama. I’m too young to go to a doctor and get an abortion by myself. I know this girl who was pregnant, but she got her ass beat and lost her baby. I got to do this, Miamor. This is the only way. You go the safe way. Get on the bus and go to school. I’ll see you when you get home,” she said. She hugged me and pushed me in the other direction.

  Reluctantly, I walked away, confused. My heart kept telling me to go back, but I always listened to Anisa no matter what. I had to roll with her plan. We were both so naïve to think that this homemade method of abortion was the way to go. We had no idea how dangerous it was or the damage that Anisa was doing to her body.

  I headed to school, but the thought of my sister fighting alone ate me up inside. After walking four blocks toward the bus stop, I turned around and ran full speed back toward Anisa. It was the first time I had ever disobeyed her. I knew she would be mad, but I couldn’t stand the thought of her fighting without me by her side. That’s how we were. Where one went, the other one followed, and no matter what she said, I couldn’t let her go through this alone. I ran as fast as I could, nearly out of breath when I reached the crowd of girls. I saw the group of girls jumping on Anisa, and surprisingly, she wasn’t even trying to fight back. They were stomping her out under the overpass of the train, and my heart ached as I saw them kicking her repeatedly in her stomach and back.

  I pulled my blade without thinking twice. They were so focused on Anisa, that they didn’t even see me coming. “Bitch!” I brought my blade up and sliced one of the girls across her face, then started throwing mad punches to anybody within arm’s reach. Those bitches were twice my size. My little fists didn’t do much damage, but with my sneak surprise I had the advantage. As soon as they realized I was there, it was a wrap. It was one of the worst ass whoppings I’d ever taken, but it didn’t matter. I was there with Anisa. We took that ass whooping together.

  The sound of police sirens blaring caused the group of girls to scatter, leaving Anisa lying on the ground and me kneeling beside her with a bloody lip.

  “I told you to go the other way,” Anisa groaned as I helped her up. She was lumped up and bruised.

  The police officer approached us and hopped into his car. He escorted us home, where our mother threw a fit and sent us to our room. We both sat impatiently looking at each other, waiting naïvely for something to happen.

  Hours passed before Anisa doubled over in pain. “I think it’s happening, Mia!” she whispered, her face contorted in pain.

  “What? What do I do?” I asked.

  “Aghh! Miamor, I think something’s wrong!” Anisa agonized as she held her lower stomach and crouched down at the side of the bed. A small spot of blood showed through her jeans, but slowly grew to a large stain in between her legs.

  “Anisa, what do I do?” I asked. I was panicked. It was the most blood I’d ever seen. It was like her period, but ten times worse, and she was sweating profusely. Her hands were shaking in trepidation.

  “I need to go to the bathroom,” she said as she took her jeans off and put them in a plastic bag.

  I helped her across the hall and locked the door. As soon as she sat down she opened her mouth in pain, but no sound came out. She stood, and blood was dripping between her legs, her thighs stained in crimson. The toilet was filled with it, and it looked like blood clots had fallen out of Anisa.

  “What do I do? What do I do?” I asked, my voice cracking from concern and my eyes filling with tears. I knew I was in over my head and I wanted to go run for our mother, but I had promised, and even at such a young age, my word was all I had. I never broke it for anybody.

  “I don’t know!” she said as she was wracked with more pain. Anisa sat on the toilet as her premature body violently miscarried her baby.

  I held her hand tightly as if she was bringing life into the world instead of flushing one down the toilet. I couldn’t say anything. It wasn’t my decision to make and it was already done, so all I could do was be there for my sister. She didn’t ask to be in that situation. Perry had put her in it before her time, so I didn’t judge her for wanting to get rid of it secretly.

  Anisa was weak and could barely stand, so I helped her to our room and cleaned up the mess. I gave her two of our mother’s pain prescriptions and washed her up before she fell asleep. This was the first time that I was grateful for my mother’s ignorance. I didn’t want her to come in and find out what we had done.

  Just as I went to throw away the bloody towel, my mother was coming up the steps. “Where did all that blood come from?” she asked.

  “I . . . um . . . I . . . it was from the fight. I got cut and I had to clean it,” I lied.

  “Oh, well, that serves you right for fighting in the first place,” she said. “I was coming to tell you and your sister that I’m off to work. Perry will be home in about an hour. Come lock the door behind me.”

  I followed her to the door, and once she was gone, I raced back up to Anisa. She was still asleep. I lay beside her and we wrapped our arms around each other. I knew that we had to get out of that house. Even at such a young age, I was aware of danger. I just felt it in the pit of my stomach that things were never going to get better. With Perry around we would never feel safe, and Anisa had just gone through hell just to hide what he was doing to her. I wanted out. I wanted something better for both me and Anisa, and I promised myself that once we broke free, we would never look back.

  * * *

  I awoke when I felt the bed sink down on
Anisa’s side, but I didn’t open my eyes. I already knew it was Perry. I recognized the familiar scent. It made me gag, and I felt a burning at the back of my throat. I hated him for what he had done to Anisa. I knew what he wanted, and I froze out of fear. I lay there stiff as a board, playing possum. I prayed that this night wouldn’t be like all the others. It was this night that made me lose faith in God, because if there truly was one, He would have surely intervened. God would have protected us . . . saved us.

  “No, stop!” I heard Anisa say. “Please, just not tonight! I can’t!” she cried.

  I had never heard her sound so weak, and I squeezed my eyes tightly as my heart beat out of my chest. Please God, help her, I pleaded. But just like all the other times, God never came.

  Perry pulled Anisa by the arm, but I got up and pulled her other arm. “She said no!” I screamed.

  Perry stopped and looked at Anisa with a menacing smirk. “It’s either you or her.” That was the choice he gave her.

  I trembled, and Anisa looked back at me while gripping her stomach. I could tell she was still in pain. Tears fell down her face. She hugged me and whispered, “Everything will be all right, Mia. Go to the closet and wait for me to come and get you.”

  “No!” I said defiantly, my tears no longer willing to hide. “I’ll do it, Anisa. He can take me this time.” Snot dripped down my nose as Perry forcefully grabbed me from the bed, carrying me out of the room by my waist kicking, and screaming.

  “No! Let her go!” Anisa screamed as she fought him. “Please! Stop it . . . she’s too young!”

  Perry turned around and backhanded Anisa into the wall and threw me to the ground. “Bitch, get your ass up and let’s go!” he yelled at her. I crawled over to Anisa and we huddled in the corner.

  “Anisa, don’t go!” I whispered.

  Perry loomed over us as he unbuckled his pants and pulled out his oversized penis.

  “Miamor, go get in the closet,” Anisa whispered.

  I shook my head no.

  “Just do it!” she yelled in between her tears.

  Anisa left with Perry, and I climbed into the closet, covering my ears while crying uncontrollably. This had to stop. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to my sister. It all seemed so unfair.

  “Agghhh!”

  The scream sent shivers up and down my spine. I had never heard my sister scream like that. Something was different this time. She needed me.

  “Aghh. No! It hurts! Please!”

  I thought of all the blood I had seen earlier. All of it had come out of Anisa. I never wanted her to go through that again. I couldn’t just sit there and do nothing. I ran out of the closet and into my mother’s room.

  Anisa was lying there with a pool of blood underneath her while Perry was on top, humping furiously like a dog in heat. It was a sight that petrified me. I thought he was killing her. “Get off of her!” I yelled as I rushed at him and began hitting him. I felt his hand cross my face as he backhanded me to the floor, his wedding ring leaving an imprint in my face.

  “Miamor, help me!” Anisa cried.

  I ran as fast as I could to the downstairs closet. I knew it was where my mother kept her shotgun. She didn’t know that I knew, but I did, and I needed it more than she ever would.

  “Mia!”

  I closed my eyes at the blood curdling cry. Anisa needed me. I pulled out the double barrel shotgun, but couldn’t find the shells as I looked frantically, hands shaking, as I could barely hold up the big gun. Tears clouded my vision as I ran into the kitchen. The headboard was banging loudly against the wall, creating a sickening scene in my head as I pictured Perry molesting Anisa. I tore every drawer out of the cabinets before I sent a box of shells scattering across the floor. My shaky hands barely allowed me to load them into the chamber. I had played with the gun enough to know how to use it with expertise. I was only able to load one shell in. I couldn’t waste any more time trying any more than that.

  I raced up the stairs and burst into the room. Anisa’s hand was outstretched for me as Perry was on top of her. She needed me. Without hesitation, I lifted the shotgun and fired. The blast sent me flying back against the wall.

  Perry grabbed his chest as the buckshot filled him. His chest looked like Swiss cheese and he tried to gasp for air.

  Anisa jumped out of the bed, blood dripping from her womb down her legs, but before she could reach me, she collapsed. My heart felt as if it was going to burst. I had never been so afraid in my entire life.

  I picked up the telephone and dialed 911.

  “Hello, nine-one-one Operator. What is your emergency?”

  I was out of breath, and I breathed into the phone as I watched Perry’s life slip away before my eyes. “He . . . he raped my sister! I shot him! Please, we need help!”

  I then crawled over to Anisa and put her head in my lap. “It’s going to be okay, Nis. They’re coming,” I sat in the room with my sister until help arrived. I wouldn’t leave her side until she opened her eyes. “I got him, Anisa. He won’t hurt us anymore,” I said when she finally looked at me. Anisa didn’t respond, but from the look in her eyes, I knew that she had heard me.

  Once the police arrived and I told them what happened, they handcuffed me and put me in the back of a police car.

  I knew that I was in trouble and would probably be going away for a while, but Anisa was safe, and that’s all that mattered. I would have done the same thing if I had to do it over again. Nobody could hurt us anymore, and I felt that it was worth it. So, when I went before a judge and told him that I would do the same thing, he said I had no remorse, and was a menace to society. He remanded me to a juvenile facility until my eighteenth birthday. Bitch-ass nigga! After getting the news, I looked at my mother, and she had tears in her eyes, but I knew they were for Perry and not for me. I rolled my eyes at her and then I turned to Anisa and smiled. “I love you Nis!” I mouthed.

  “I love you too, Miamor! Thank you!” she mouthed back as sincere tears streamed down her face.

  Chapter Three

  Miamor

  Six years of lockup in juvie was too much to even recall. The loneliness, the abandonment, every day spent there took a little bit more of my sanity away. It was bullshit. Day in and day out it was the exact same. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that Anisa was waiting for me on the outside.

  My mother tried to come and see me, but I never accepted her visits. I didn’t have shit to say to her because I felt there was no excuse. She wasn’t there for Anisa and me when we needed her most, and as a result, I got locked up and Anisa had skeletons in her closet that she would harbor for the rest of her life. I didn’t fuck with my mother, and I probably never would. All Anisa and I had was each other. That was enough, and she did my time right along with me, keeping my account full as well as visiting me weekly.

  I never regretted my actions . . . not once. That’s part of the reason why they made me do all six years. They had me going to therapy as if I needed rehabilitating. All I had to do was show remorse, and they would have let me go early, but remorse for a mu’fucka like Perry was something I couldn’t even fake. I hated him. He deserved to die, and the older I got, the more I truly understood that I had done the right thing. Nobody knew the connection I had with my sister. Everyone kept saying that my actions weren’t justified because I was never actually raped, but fuck everybody who thought that, and fuck you too if you’re thinking that! Eventually, my turn would have come, and before it did, I erased that nigga from the map. I did what was necessary, and if the tables were turned, I know Anisa would have done the exact same thing for me.

  The day I said good-bye to lockup, I promised myself I would never go back. Doing that much time as a child had turned my heart cold. I had changed, but it wasn’t for the better.

  Anisa was waiting at the gates. She had really grown up. As I admired her True Religion jeans, matching top and Zanotti pumps, I knew she was doing well. Her hair was cut short in a bob. Her light skin
was radiant, and she had the smile of a woman who had seen no struggles. She looked truly happy, as if she was able to let go of what had happened to her. My big sister was beautiful. She was a grown-ass woman now, and I hoped to leave the past behind and be just like her.

  I was eighteen, not yet a woman, but definitely not a little girl. I was on my own, and the world was at my feet. All I had to do was conquer it.

  “Miamor!” she yelled as we ran toward each other with open arms.

  “Hey, bitch!” I replied as we embraced. We hugged and cried in excitement.

  “I’m so glad you’re out! I missed you, Mia!” Anisa got teary eyed and put her hands on my shoulders so that she could look me in the eye. I already knew what she was about to say. It was something that had been in the air for a long time.

  “I’m so sorry, Miamor. I love you. You’re my sister. I’m so happy that you did what you did. You saved my life. I’m just so sorry that you had to go through all of this behind my bullshit,” Anisa said. “Anything you need, I got you. First thing we got to do is get you out of this bullshit ass jail gear.”

  I nodded, and we hugged once more before hopping into the car, leaving skid marks behind us as we sped off. She was whipping a nice little Chrysler 300 with leather seats and tinted windows. It wasn’t a Benz, but the shit was fly and more expensive than the average whip.

  We rode into Brooklyn, and the first place we went was to the salon. My hair was long as hell because I kept it braided while I was locked up. When my shit was freshly permed and wrapped, it was down my back, all natural, no weave. My skin was flawless, and my figure was on point. I made sure to work out daily, keeping myself lean and feminine in the process with curves all in the right places.